Boundaries

I was having a random discussion recently with my boys – Austin who is 21 this week & Grant who is 18. We were discussing superheroes and their powers. My personal favorite is Wonder Woman – she is fit, hot, flies a plane, and has that lasso of truth that she uses to “compel them to tell the truth.” Her weakness is that she is not immune to the lasso.

While she is my favorite, she can fly a plane, she just can’t fly.

So then I thought if I was a superhero, I would want to look like Wonder Woman, but be able to fly. Like running start & off I’m flying – like superman. No one wants a weakness, but if I had one it would be I need a daily nap

If you were a superhero, what would be your strength & then what is your weakness?

So then like a good preacher, I turned the convo to Jesus and tried to make my case that Jesus really could have been a good superhero (no heresy here, just me having fun with my boys)

What were some of the things that Jesus did that modern superheroes would love to do

· Walk through walls

· Water into wine

· Heal disease

· Just appear

· Put a coin in a fish’s mouth

· Told the future

· Told the past

· Could fly

· Come back to life

What was his weakness?

· God in a human body

· Nap

· Hungry

· Tired

· Recharge

What is the one thing that links the superheroes and Jesus’ weaknesses?

It is a limitation. It is something that if they ignore will cause problems for them.

So, what do they all do to not be impaired by their weakness?

They avoid the weakness

They set up boundaries to not have that weakness overcome them.

Just as superheroes have weaknesses and need to hold healthy boundaries

Just a Jesus had limitations because of being fully human and needed to hold healthy boundaries

So do we…

When we consider the parts of who we are – we must consider the areas of our lives where we need to have healthy boundaries

I would suggest that we need to hold boundaries in our:

· Physical

· Emotional

· Intellectual

· Spiritual

Have you ever noticed when one area of your life is out of balance it affects the others parts of you? Let’s use a physical example

Let’s say you have a headache

So your head hurts, which means you don’t want to be around people, or noise, or smells, or anything

Your head hurts, so you don’t want to get up to get something to eat because you know your blood will pump heavier and your head will hurt worse

You have a movie date planned with a friend, but you can’t go because you know if you do the loud movie and the bright lights will make it worse

You are in finals week of class, have 2 papers dues and a test tomorrow and you are nowhere close to being done

You can’t even think of praying because all you can think about is your head, how it hurts and nothing is making it better

Do you see how a physical area of your life being off-balance will affect all the other areas of your life? Now, the illustration breaks down talking about boundaries because it is a headache – or does it? Is there something you know that you need to avoid to not have a headache? Did you tell yourself, just this one time I will do ____ - thinking you could overrule the laws of your body, but your boundary crossing brought on the headache?

How about the other areas – we won’t go into each one specifically, but can you think of ways that when you don’t hold a clear boundary on your emotional self that it affects your physical, intellectual, and spiritual self?

Or what if you are out of whack spiritually, do you see how it then affects your boundaries in your physical, emotional, and intellectual self?

They’re all linked – when we are out of balance and not holding good boundaries in one area of our life all the other areas are impacted as well.

When we look at the life of Jesus, we can see that he set up clear boundaries in his life.

1 – He recognized his personal limits. He is God in a human body. He had to rest, he had to eat.

Mark 4:35-38

35 As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” 36 So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). 37 But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water.

38 Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”

Luke 7:36

36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat.

If Jesus had to do these things – so do we. We are humans raised by humans (Elf humor).

2 – He said no to wrong motives and beliefs:

People did not understand who Jesus really was. They thought him to be a political leader. He was going to be king and this talk of him dying didn’t line up with him being a king. We can see it in Matthew 16:21-23

21 From then on Jesus[j] began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day, he would be raised from the dead.

22 But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him[k] for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”

23 Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.”

3 – Jesus spoke the truth – but he did it in love

Boundaries require telling the truth – speaking up when no one else is. There is the story of the Rich Young ruler. This guy had it all – and wanted to keep it all. Jesus spoke to the heart of the man – he desired stuff more than he wanted to live a life of surrender.

Matthew 19:16-21

16 Someone came to Jesus with this question: “Teacher,[f] what good deed must I do to have eternal life?”

18 “…And Jesus replied: “‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. 19 Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.’[h]”

20 “I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do?”

21 Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When I picture Jesus having this conversation, it was not harsh – not demeaning, just him simply conveying – you love your stuff and your stuff is just that, stuff. He kept amassing more and more wealth but was not being generous with what he had received. Jesus was trying to show him that his stuff was ruling his life and how to not be ruled by it. The guy was sad because sometimes when we hold healthy boundaries the other person doesn’t like it, they want things their way and don’t like to be told no.

There are so many other examples of Jesus holding boundaries, but I’m fairly certain you get the picture.

As you were younger, boundaries were set for you.

You were told when to go to bed, when to eat, what to study, where to go and not go.

What other boundaries were put in place for you as a kid?

· Don’t swim for one hour after eating?

· Wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident

Why were these boundaries put in place?

· Safety

· So mom didn’t look like a bad mom

Now, let’s shift to relationships

We all have relationships –

· Family

· Neighbor

· Friend

· Classmate

· Coworker

· Church member

· Romantic

Have you ever had someone try to cross or change one of your personal boundaries?

i.e. Hugger vs non hugger

· Did you give in or hold your ground?

· How did you feel?

· Why?

Now that you are adults, you have a foundation of boundaries that were defined for you, but now the boundary responsibility is fully on you.

Henry Cloud is an author who writes all about boundaries, his book “Boundaries for Leaders” is one of my favorites.

He says:

“Boundaries are what you create and what you allow”

Consider the different types of relationships. There will be some boundaries you have that would be relevant for all relationships like:

· The boundary of always telling the truth no matter how hard it may be

· The boundary of making an ethical decision

Then there are boundaries that you may compartmentalize and only have in one area like:

· The boundary of prioritizing being a part of the young adult service over hanging out with friends

· The boundary of having dinner with your family one time each week

Whatever, you get the point.

So here are the keys to healthy boundaries

· setting a clear expectation

· make it granular

· set boundaries in all areas of your life

· have the boundary in place before the situation arises

· think through your nonnegotiable

And when you have a boundary, let it be known, appropriately. You can be steadfast and have clear expectations without being harsh, critical, or demeaning

Then stick to it.

· No matter how hard it may be – hold your boundary.

· No matter how weird it may make you look – hold your boundary

· No matter the pressure placed on you – hold your boundary

And if you ever get to a place where you feel that you need to change a boundary – ask yourself the tough questions –

· why am I changing it

· what benefit does it bring to change it

· how does it affect me to change it

· will the 50-year-old version of myself approve of this change

I’ll give you an example of a personal changed boundary

When the boys were little, I had a boundary that I would not let work rule me and limit my time with them. My boundary was that I would spend more time with them than work and that I would always be available to go on field trips, watch anything they were a part of, and would be home when they were after school. That was a boundary and a priority. Now that Grant is about to go to college, that boundary is now shifting and it looks different. But it has brought on new priorities and boundaries.

So, now here is where you have to do the hard work. You need to set some boundaries.

· What are your nonnegotiables?

· What area of your life have you not had a solid boundary but you know you need to do it? Is there a relationship that ignores your boundaries – might be time to let it go?

Whatever area it is in your life. Learn to define your boundaries, set them, let someone know about them and then hold on to them.