Peanut M&Ms and Mom

Mother’s Day is this Sunday and I’ve been thinking a lot about it.

It is such a contentious day.

There are those who call it a made-up, greeting card holiday.

Those who mock it and say it’s not a day worth celebrating.

Those who hide in their homes all day, just praying for the day to pass and hoping on Monday no one brings it up at the office.

For me, I have always loved Mother’s Day. Not for celebrating me… but for celebrating my mom.

If you knew Mom before her brain injury, you would agree that she was one tough cookie. So much adversity she had to overcome. So many bad cards dealt to her. But she had (and still has) a toughness that caused her to not sit around in a pity party, but one that tried everything she could to make things better. In my mind, there was never anything my mom couldn’t do. And if she couldn’t do it, she either tried to learn how or found someone who could.

I thought she was invincible.

That is, until the day that she no longer was...

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Domestic abuse is a topic for another day, so all I will say is that in her kindness to help others and her desire for companionship, she made a terrible relationship choice that took everything except for existence away from her.

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I was talking with a friend recently who is watching her mom decline physically and mentally. She was so frustrated because her mom is trying to do all the things she has always done like get the mail, go up the stairs, or drive her car. None of these activities, along with many other activities, are going well. Her mom has fallen numerous times and is refusing to ask for her. My friend asked, “Why does she insist on doing these things, why won’t she let me help?”

It is incredibly difficult to watch our take charge, run the family, do all the things, fix all the things, be all the things, highly independent, invincible moms age and become… human.

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I became the primary caregiver for my mom in my early thirties. I had two young boys and now the responsibility of doing all the things for mom. Her brain injury took most of her independence away from her and caused her to have a distorted view of reality, of her capabilities, and her thought processes.

She went from being able to do it all to being able to do very little.

I went from daughter to caregiver in a moment.

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I have had many meltdowns over the years. Frustrations with things that mom began doing, or not doing, that didn’t line up with the mom I knew. I spent most of my days exhausted from trying to care for all my people… and never feeling like I did any of it well. And just like my friend, I would ask, “Why does she insist on doing these things?”

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For those of you who are entering the phase where you see your mom beginning to slow down, forget things, do things that make no sense, and rely on your help more and more, here are some thoughts that I have accumulated over the years.

1. Love your mom. I know, she is not the same invincible mom you have known, but she is still mom. Love her as she is.

2. Be patient. Take a deep breath. Count to 10 (or 100). I know, she is doing things that don’t make sense. Step in when you need, but do your best to help her keep her independence – even if it isn’t how you would do it.

3. Take care of you. I can tell you from 17 years’ experience, caregiving is draining and exhausting both physically and mentally. Go on dates. Take vacations. Go to the movies with friends. Do not miss out on living.

4. Your mom loves you. She may not say it or know how to show it, but she does. In her moments of clarity and remembering all the things she used to be able to do, she would much rather be doing it herself rather than rely on you. Not because she doesn’t appreciate what you are doing, but because she is mom, and that’s what moms do.

So, this Mother’s Day, take a moment to do what you need to do.

• Is that celebrate? Then celebrate!

• Is that mourn? Then mourn.

• Is that take a break? Then sit, breathe, and relax.

Then, when you’ve done what you need to do for yourself, go honor your mom, whatever that looks like. For me, it will mean honoring her love language by taking her outside for a walk and showing up with a giant container of Peanut M&Ms.